The days no one sees you

We all have those days. Days when we feel about an inch tall. Days when we have sacrificed countless hours of time or mental capacity for a cause or a person that goes unrecognized. Where others tout our work product or ideas to get the glory while we sit on the sideline. When you are putting in the effort, when you deeply care, it is easy to get emotionally attached to the outcome. So similarly, when you sit on the sideline unnoticed, it can spur deep emotions. Sometimes you feel hurt, while other times you are angry. Sometimes, you become hardened to the cause and your passion diminishes little by little, or you shy away from interactions with the person.

Other times, we feel no one sees us when we are blazing a new trail. While we may be fired up and excited about new opportunities and growth, others see it as defiance or going against the norm. They fail to see your passion or understand your point of view. Because it is different, that can scare them or they may not want to expend the energy to expand their views.

But on all the days we feel no one sees us, understands us, considers us, or prioritizes us – on the days we want to throw in the towel – we must remember that God sees us. God sees that little flame burning in our hearts. He sees us agonize over something in our minds. He watches us extend the extra effort. He not only understands who we are, He created us. He is our comfort.

Often times, I feel out of place in this world. Like no one gets me or understands me. Like I’m on an island, separate from everyone on the mainland. As I scream, no one sees or hears me. I could take the risk of swimming to join them, but in doing so, I would drown. Or if I made it to them to conform, I would be so utterly exhausted from the swim that I would only be a shell of myself. I wouldn’t be me. But where I stand on the island, alone, there is a lack. I could dance and run and play and have the freedom to be me, but after five minutes I would tire of myself. There would be no one to play with, to laugh with, to dance with. Thus, I feel I don’t belong in either land. While one provides authenticity, the other provides camaraderie, but neither provides both. And so, I ask God where my purpose truly lies. On which land? And He says neither. For He has a new place for me to travel. If I could divert my eyes from the land off in the distance and turn around, I would find a new path. A path through the woods, and up the mountain. A journey that would be difficult to climb alone. A journey where I would completely lose every notion of who I thought I was, what trust was, and who God was. A journey that would nearly break me. But when I made it to the top of that mountain, I would see the villages of people on the other side. People who would run to greet me as I made the trek down. People who would run and laugh and dance a little differently than I, but who enjoyed learning from me. People who didn’t judge or tear down my spark, but helped the fire breathe so it could grow. People whose radiance attracted me and fear of the Lord challenged me. The journey would be long, met with creatures who prowled in the night and the sounds of the mainland tempting me back down, but on the other side would be freedom. Unashamed freedom to live the fullest life of who I was meant to be as a child of the King. On the other side, life would begin.

As I envision this journey, sometimes I wonder how far I am up the mountain. I’ve climbed up hills and also regressed down the valleys for the past few years. Sometimes, I believe I am at the top or close to it, and then a new path appears around the corner. Truthfully, I am not sure the journey ever ends. As we continually seek God, we will continually learn more about ourselves and who He made us to be. I believe God has a vocation for each of us – a calling for whom we will spend our lives serving – and I have wrestled with the fact that I do not believe I have begun my mine yet. It feels late in life to not know my vocation, and then I remember that Jesus was 33 before He began his ministry. Similarly, He has spent 33 years preparing me for what’s next. He has taught me lessons and revealed pieces of my heart and His heart to me slowly. Hence, it would be impossible to be late to my vocation, because He created it. God knows all and commands all, and I am exactly where He knew I would be. He knows me better than I know myself. I am right on time.

Today, on a day where I didn’t feel seen, I reflect on the valley below and how high the Lord has helped me to climb. I seek humility – for the desire to be seen less and forgotten, so that I may draw closer to God. Soon, we will start the journey to the ascent. Soon, I will be isolated from comfort and praise; this next stage of the journey will challenge me. But on the days I cannot climb, I trust God will carry me. Slowly, the noise in the background will disappear and it will be just me and God. Then, I will feel fully alive. I will be me, the unique child God called me to be.

The Litany of Humility
O Jesus, meek and humble of heart,
Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,
Deliver me, O Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Amen.