Life on the Outside

Outsider. Over and over again in my life I’ve felt like the one on the outside. The odd one out. The one that lives furthest away, who is not in a relationship, who is too emotional. Outsider.

When I think of Jesus and his disciples, I imagine they were outsiders too. Jesus literally strived to stay on the outside of the cities and not make a scene through his ministry. He knew there would be a time and a place for that. Additionally, his disciples walked away from everything to follow him. They went 40 days in the desert, left their wives, families and careers. I am sure they were ostracized by many. They were outsiders. But they weren’t afraid to follow when Jesus called them. When the path was put in front of them and He gave them the choice, they chose to be on the outside to follow Jesus.

Sometimes, life as an outsider is lonely. It doesn’t always feel fulfilling. Following the Lord isn’t always joyful. I would argue that it’s a harder life. It’s hard to stand up for what you believe in. It’s hard to walk away from everyone else when you know you are called somewhere. I’ve felt it strongly as I pursued different areas of service. It can be a lonely road, but the inward peace far outweighs it.

Being single in my mid-30s continues to offer situations where I feel on the outside. Where I feel my life is worth less than those who are married, who have children, who have a traditional path. I continue to feel like others in my life think less of me for it. They feel sorry for me. They view me as young and immature. Like my input doesn’t matter as much or I can be flexible because I am just one person. Like I chose this path of life or my actions put me here. It has opened the door for others to add their criticism and input into my life and why I’m still single. If I only “fixed” this one thing it would give me opportunities to be more attractive to someone. And so, I push myself to the outside and close off my heart to them in fear of losing myself.

I trust the Lord. I trust that life won’t always be this lonely. I trust He will reveal the true purpose and path for my life. I trust He will surround me with people who build me up for who I truly am and love this outsider. Some weeks, I am better at accepting it than others and am trusting. Other times, it consumes me. Lately, it’s been weighing on me hard. Everyone has a partner or deeply relies on each other in the family, at work, etc. Yet, I continue to do life as a single person. It has given me opportunities to work on myself and grow closer to the Lord. To truly understand what I want out of life and in a relationship. But for now, I continue to feel like I’m on the outside, watching the lives of those I love through the window.

Lord, I know you love your beloved daughter. I know you don’t see me as an outsider and have a beautiful plan for my life. You have told me this year that my path is unique. That the plan is different. And I know you are close to revealing it. I know you have something big planned, and it is coming. I haven’t forgotten everything you’ve spoken to me this year. But some days, it feels like the waiting is excruciating. Watching others’ joy is nauseating at times. I know that isn’t the right reaction. I should be thrilled for the fulfillment of something I’ve prayed for my loved ones. But as I sit in the valley trying to take steps up the mountain in the shale while sliding backwards, I view them on the mountaintop and can’t help but feel pent up resentment for where I am. I don’t want that reaction, Lord, and I ask you to take it away. Fill that resentment with love for you and where you are leading me. Something you have called only me to – a plan for my life that is unique. Give me the grace to accept it; the will to be open to the call. The joy to spread the gospel. The compassion to love those around me through their joy. Help me put away the “outsider” mentality and focus on all the ways you’ve spoken to me interiorly this year.

Today, Lord, I wish to break away from the outsider mentality. Today, I wish to wake up. I say YES to your call. I accept this place of waiting; for in waiting, you’ve drawn near. You’ve loved me. You’ve shown up as a Father. You’ve held me. You’ve spoken great feats. You’ve encouraged me. You never left my side.

Jesus, I will wander with you through the desert. I know I will be a better person because of it. I know the devil will be biting at my heel, but I am confident I will make it out of this desert. I am confident your path will be fruitful. Help me to follow with eager ambition. I am ready.