Growing Pains

Growth. Sometimes it’s hard to see how much you’ve grown when you are in the middle of arduous, monotonous days. You push through relentlessly to just “get to the other side” of the latest mountain God asked you to climb. You focus on getting through each day. Eyes ahead. Grind.

Sometimes, we must slow down to reflect to truly see the growth and all the Lord has done in our lives year after year. Emotional hardships can make progress feel like regression. Pain can become paralyzing. However, when we reflect on the journey of where we came from, that’s where we can truly see how the Lord used it to help us to grow. Sometimes, we grow closer to him. Other times, we become more sacrificial, more understanding or more loving. And then there are the times where we can’t see the growth ourselves and someone else has to point out the areas that we’ve matured.

One year ago, I said goodbye to the seven-year-old girl I had in my home for two years. It paralyzed me. I shut myself off from the world. I truly didn’t think I would ever find myself outside of that dark place. For the better part of the last year, I became ghost-like when she got brought up and cried more times than I can ever remember. This week marks one year of saying goodbye. Last week, for the first time, I brought up a truly funny story about her and laughed deeply. After it, I smiled at her memory and how much light she brought to my life, at how her joy radiated through my home and heart. I found joy in how much I loved her. I miss her deeply still, but today I have peace in her memory.

The Lord offered numerous trials this year, and I clung to him harder than I have ever done. I let him carry me through the hard times. It has been a painful year that challenged my relationships, heart, desires for life, and shifted my expectations. It’s been a productive year, focused on serving in other ways and deepening the relationships with my support system around me. It’s been a year of growth – from leadership opportunities to identifying my pride in situations and pushing it aside to do the right thing. Yet, for every right decision I made, I surely made nine wrong ones. While I’m not proud of that, I see growth in myself that I didn’t see in the past. I put my selfishness aside and tried to look at the bigger picture. For the first time this year, I saw where my pride got in the way, where my resistance to change and desire for perfection hurt other people, and where my rants to friends to help me process situations were filled with more gossip than I realized.

Of the last 365 days, I would estimate that I cried almost every single one of them. Some days, I cried out of numbness and pain, clinging onto the past; others, for fear of the future. Some days though, I cried joyful tears for the people who surrounded me this year. For the grace the Lord has given to me when I’ve been undeserving. For the cross. For the sunshine. I’ve been more emotional than any other period of my life. At times, it has been overwhelming and something I want to push aside. However, as I reflect, I praise God for the emotion that makes my heart tender. To feel emotions so hard – both joy and pain – that it brings me to physical tears.

Through the people and situations the Lord put in my life this year, he has forced me to work through trauma I didn’t realize I was carrying. He has shown me how my need for perfectionism is truly hurting me and my relationships, and He’s helped me begin to uncover the root causes for the need for it. He has helped me see why I am so resistant to change and given me friends to help me reframe the change into gratitude. He has shown me the areas where I am weak as a leader, and given me opportunities to exercise patience, care, and grace. He has shown me how the troubles I used to worry about were so insignificant. Today’s major challenges make those seem so silly, but I know it didn’t feel like it at the time. God helped me find perspective this year. He consoled me through my trials and gave me the courage to be more vulnerable with those around me. I never realized how small situations from when I was young affected my life and daily decision making. As I now work to heal those situations by talking about them, looking at them objectively and finding opportunities to do things differently this time, I realize how much this emotional journey has allowed me to grow. It’s not growth I see every day, but little by little, He is helping me to mature in faith and sacrifice. I am grateful for the opportunity.

Lord, as I move forward, help me to continue to face the trauma and hardships in life instead of hiding from them or shutting people out. Give me the courage to face them head-on with your support. I pray for a continued softening of my heart to help it grow closer to your Sacred Heart. Today, I am a different person than I was a year ago. In some ways for the better. In some ways, my heart is a little harder due to the pain and walls I’ve built around it. I pray you help me to break down those walls little by little to let the people who love me in. To heal those torn ligaments and forgive those that had a piece in contributing to that hurt. Lord, give me the grace to forgive. Ignite a fire in my heart for you again and allow me to spread your joy in my life again for the benefit of others. Help me to be more like you.

“My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, and do not be impetuous in time of adversity. Cling to him, do not leave him, that you may prosper in your last days. Accept whatever happens to you; in periods of humiliation be patient. For in fire gold is tested, and the chosen, in the crucible of humiliation. Trust in God, and he will help you; make your ways straight and hope in him.” – Ben Sira 2:1-6