Suffering for Sacrifice

Have you ever felt the desire to suffer in place of another? To ask the Lord to inflict pain on you rather than a loved one? If you haven’t been in that position, it may be hard to imagine why someone would want to suffer. But when you look at the greater picture – loved ones getting diagnosed with diseases, friends in car accidents, little children suffering malnutrition or horrors – it becomes simpler for me. I would easily take their place to free them of that burden and give them a better life. The love I have for them boils over into a desire to suffer – to inflict pain on myself to remove theirs. But I can’t say I’ve typically gotten to the point where I’ve actually prayed for that pain until the last few months.

Typically, my prayers are centered around the things I am asking from God – what I need Him to fix, areas I need His help, etc. They focus around me. I’ve had a year where I’ve been deeply stuck in the valley, and my prayers have selfishly centered around improving my situation. However, in the past few months, my family and friends have been under attack. In addition to the slew of medical appointments I have had myself, I have had a loved one in a 12-car accident with a totaled car (thankfully walking away with just a concussion and whiplash), another who is pregnant in the ER twice, another undergoing tests for cancer, another dealing with mental health and contemplating suicide, another having panic attacks, another having a miscarriage, and more.

Enduring my own medical trials, I realize I have not been the best support for my friends and family who have undergone their own suffering. But as I learned of some of these heavy items, my heart changed. I went to Adoration and prayed – maybe even begged – God to let it be me. If someone I loved had to suffer, let it be me. Keep my family and friends safe and healthy. Free them from that suffering. Let it be me. I will endure it. I know with the help of the Lord, He will walk through it with me as He has already done this year. If it has to be someone, let it be me.

I can’t say that’s a prayer I’ve ever offered up. My selfishness has prevented me from doing so. But I have continued to pray those words – let it be me. I have reframed my suffering. Suffering for sacrifice. For a purpose. It isn’t pointless. I accept what God has in his path for me. Let it be me who will become sick, and may the Lord allow me to minister to people through that. Nine years ago, He used my mom for that purpose with her brain tumor. Though an incredibly hard time for our family, it brought so many people together in prayer. I am ready to do the same. I accept His fate.

Whenever I leave Adoration, I always ask Jesus for a word, phrase or image that I can take with me for the week. It’s something I have done for years, and the Lord has used it to reveal puzzle pieces to me over time. As I prayed “let it be me” in the chapel and stared at Jesus in the beautiful monstrance, I felt I began to see a shape. Yes, I could clearly see a ribbon. As I prayed over what the Lord was speaking to me through that image, I remembered that a ribbon is used to represent cancer — pink ribbons for breast cancer, green ribbons for kidney cancer, and so on.

Cancer. It’s come up over and over again this year for me. First, the potential of breast cancer and appointments at the Bing Cancer Center. Next, the potential of skin cancer and surgery to remove it. Recently, an appointment at the Dublin Cancer Center and bloodwork. Next, an appointment at the Jasonway Cancer Center to review and do more tests. I’ve had a cyst drained, three biopsies, three tumors, and a surgery thus far, as well as a few other medical issues. Now on to find more and the root cause. I feel like I’ve done my “world tour” of cancer centers this year, but that’s not the point. I give you this history because this slew of issues caused me to become overly negative and bitter over the last few months as I tried to process it all. That ends today.

Today, I accept that this may be the path the Lord is leading me down and I will happily endure it. Why? Because I will suffer for a greater purpose. This entire year, I have begged the Lord to let all of my medical issues go away. I now ASK for them. Lord, let it be me. Keep my family and friends safe. Please put an end to their suffering and allow me to suffer on their behalf. Use it for your purpose. Allow me to reveal you to the world through an endurance of faith. Walk with me – and carry me on the days I can’t find the strength – but allow me to serve you through this new journey. I accept willingly. Today, I suffer for a higher purpose.

For what purposes are you willing to suffer? In what ways can you make small sacrifices to the Lord to offer up the suffering of a family or friend? Perhaps it’s an offering of prayer or fasting, or simply becoming more accepting of your suffering and asking for the repentance of a loved one in return. Offer it up for a purpose. Endure the journey to further mold your heart to Jesus’ sacred heart.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.” – Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭1‬-‭5