Counting my blessings amid trials

More doctor appointments, unexpected news, surgery forthcoming. Life’s been kicking me pretty hard lately. It’s like I can’t find air. Every time I get through a major hurdle and reset, another one surfaces. Last week, I went to the dermatologist for my yearly appointment. I had a skin lesion on my arm that I’ve questioned for a while. The doctor decided she wanted to get a biopsy and shaved part of it off. Another biopsy – three in three weeks – what a month. Yesterday, the doctor called to share the results. I have something called Cellular Dermatofibroma – a skin growth that attaches to your deepest layer of skin. The good news is that it is currently benign; the bad is that it has cellular variations that could turn to skin cancer or metastasize. They want to surgically remove it to make sure that doesn’t happen and that it doesn’t spread. Didn’t I just go through this? Didn’t I just get past the cancer scare? Perhaps, but I’m on to the next battle. I will proceed with surgery in the coming weeks.

After hanging up the phone, I lost it. I had a full emotional breakdown. Why do these things keep happening? How many mountains did the Lord need me to climb this year? I was over all of it. As I googled the unfamiliar term and stumbled upon potential root causes – lupus and leukemia – I lost it even more. I went down a rabbit hole learning about lupus, a disease I suspected I might have in 2020 but never got tests done. Fear overtook me; I was scared. Why didn’t I get this skin lesion checked earlier? Could I have prevented this?

The anxiety turned into another full-blown panic attack and I became angry with God. How could He let me go through this again? What was He trying to accomplish? Curled up on my bed, I peered up to the photo of Jesus on the wall and angrily uttered, “WHY?” I instantly hated everything about that reaction. I did not want to be mad at God. I’ve asked Him to use me for His purpose. Maybe this was part of the plan, how was I to know?

I thought about going to Adoration to pray, but I was still fuming. I didn’t have the patience to sit still and pray tonight. I know that is what I should have done for exactly that reason, but I didn’t have it in me. I decided what I needed was to be distracted from my news, to physically get out of my house to quit wallowing and diagnosing myself with more diseases from google. I needed to laugh. On a whim, I texted two of my guy friends that always bring me joy. I asked if they were free for a beer tonight, that I needed a friend and I needed to get out of my head. They both responded right away to see if I was okay, and one of the guys left the meeting he was at to come over. He dropped everything he was doing and came to make sure I was okay. That shocked me. What incredible friends I have.

After a few minutes of tears, spilling about my latest medical trials, and admitting that I simply wanted to stop thinking about it, he said, “Alright, get up, let’s go.” He took me to a nearby restaurant where we got drinks, laughed, talked about life and caught up. When the restaurant closed, we headed back to my house and continued our conversation. Not long after, our other buddy called and the three of us – two together and one on the phone – talked until 12:30 a.m. It was a wonderful evening filled with good conversation and friends. It brought joy amid the confusion. Alas, we were too tired to continue and I thanked them for completing their mission to distract me before parting ways. My head hit the pillow minutes later.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was not about my new medical issues but instead, gratitude for the incredible friends with which God has blessed me. They were willing to give up their evenings and drop everything they were doing because they sensed I was not okay. They didn’t hesitate, they were at my house within 20 minutes. I realized how blessed I am in my life; not just by those two, but by a multitude of friends, family, and coworkers that would drop everything and come to my aid if I simply asked for help.

I instantly thought of a new song someone in my church released – Counting My Blessings – and began listening to it on repeat. I began thanking God for the things He’s done in my life: for the friendships He’s allowed to develop this year to provide me a greater support system in Columbus, for the family that brings joy and unwavering love for me, for coworkers that are compassionate, a job that is flexible, and a company that allows me to pursue mission work, and for finding these abnormalities in my body now before they turn into greater illnesses.

As I listened to that song, I released anxiety from my mind and tears began to roll down my face. I had no room to be angry with God. He has blessed me continuously. I reflected on the easy life I had compared to the people I met in El Salvador recently that had illnesses and lack of medical treatment. I began listing out the numerous people that have shown up for me repeatedly when I don’t deserve it – when I ignore them or forget to respond, when I can’t find the energy to be their friend, when I don’t have the heart to listen to their problems. Yet, they love me anyway and are a constant in my life. How lucky I am. What incredible blessings I’ve been given.

As I reflected on those blessings, one of my favorite scripture verses came to mind.

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you – oracle of the Lord – plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. When you call me, and come and pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me – oracle of the Lord – and I will change your lot; I will gather you together from all the nations and all the places to which I have banished you – oracle of the Lord – and bring you back to the place from which I have exiled you.” — Jeremiah 29:11-14

The Lord knows the plan for my life and has good plans for me – plans for welfare. The Lord genuinely wants good things for me. He wants to bless me. He wants to bring me immeasurable joy. He wants to fill my life with abundance for Him. He doesn’t want this hardship for me, but yet He still allows it. God allows it because it makes me more resilient, or because in some way it can lead me or others back to Him. Or perhaps He needed to remind me that I am blessed and not overlook the people that love me, to make me more aware of all He’s provided.

He also has a future of hope for me. I have said multiple times that I have lost some hope this year. I have tired from doing good and the burdens I’ve carried have taken a toll. But God wants me to hope. He knows well the plans He has in mind for me — I need to trust Him and be hopeful of the good things to come. The verses go on to say that when you seek God with all your heart, He will change your lot. I know all good things come from God, that only He can fill me with abundance of life, if only I seek Him. If only I turn to Him and pray to Him.

Lord, as I lay down this new battle, as I navigate the path forward, help me to continue counting my blessings to restore my hope for the future. Allow me to focus on the goodness you have brought to my life and remain grateful. Remove everything that is overshadowing those blessings and replace them with joy. Today, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for you. Thank you for blessing me. Thank you for laying down your life for me. Thank you for continuously providing. Thank you for my life.