Falling out of trust

Falling out of trust with someone is difficult. It doesn’t take much to earn my trust. I freely hand it out to nearly everyone I meet. It’s the minimum respect I grant for every person, because I truly believe people are inherently good. However, when you have an expectation that everyone is trustworthy, it is inevitable to fall out of trust with some people. Not everyone is someone you will click with, and the devil finds ways to work himself in. Sometimes, the moments start small, but they gradually add up over time and make you question everything you knew of that person and your relationship.

Falling out of trust is hard for me. A big ball of fury rages inside of me at the frustrating occurrence. That anger tends to cloud all judgment moving forward. It shadows every word spoken, every action taken, every bit of silence. I know in my anger that I’m not the best judge. That I take things deeply, emotionally, irrationally. But I take it hard because I truly cared for that person and our relationship.

So why is it that I give every person initial trust BUT God? I DO trust Him, I just still have this need to be in control. I trust Him, I just get tired of doing good and going down an unknown path. I’m impatient, ungrateful, and continuously break His trust by not being obedient. Do you think God erupts in a big ball of fury like me? Do you think he is sick of me doing it to him again and again? Maybe. He’s certainly not thrilled by my actions. But He loves me anyway. He shows me grace. He provides love. He doesn’t let go of me.

Why is it so easy for me to let go of people once they’ve broken my trust? I feel like I give people the benefit of the doubt and many chances but, at some point, if they can’t prove trustworthy, I write them off and disassociate from them. I think some of that is a natural consequence and needed for both mental health and to stand for my values. In other cases, though, I need to show more compassion. I need to forgive. I need to have the hard discussions to work through the issues. But breaking trust is one of the hardest things for me to overcome.

As I think about that, I think of Judas. He broke Jesus’ trust and then went and hung himself. The weight of breaking that trust was heavy. But Jesus still loved his disciple. He knew Judas would betray him, but he still washed his feet. He didn’t treat him differently. He showed grace in the face of disloyalty & deceit. He loved him anyway.

Lord, help me to love the Judas’ in my life —the people who have betrayed me, hurt me, broken my trust. Help me to forgive them. Give me the grace to help guide them to you and your way. Allow me to push my anger aside and instead wash their feet. Above all, Lord, help me to trust you — to be patient and surrender myself to you every morning, trusting your way is best. Help me not to betray you but instead put you first in every aspect of my life. Help me to prioritize our relationship and surrender everything keeping me from following you. Help me to trust your path will always be better than the one of your lowly servant. Help me to walk blindly in your footsteps. Take my hand, Lord, and help me to follow.