Answering Anger

Some days, anger erupts in me. Something small enflames my insides and puts me down a path of bitter frustration for hours. Something so novice, so trivial.

I haven’t seen that anger in a while. While life has been challenging, I have worked hard to curb those reactions. To trust in the Lord. To grow in patience. To put his work first and let go of the things I cannot control. Today, that anger boiled over. I had the desire to go off, cuss, slam doors. I was steaming under my breath.

But I didn’t do those things. Instead, I held it together long enough to leave the scene, then cried angry tears on my drive home. I don’t know why this seemingly small decision affected me so much today. I don’t know why it caused so much anger. But I do know I didn’t like the reaction it caused in me. I don’t want to be the one who flies off the handles. I don’t want to be crude or crass or spit out negativity. I want to be a light. And even though literally no one saw or heard this fit of rage I had, I did, and I want that to change. I’m not that person, I want to be pure, gentle of heart, loving, kind, positive. Even in the face of things that don’t go my way. Even when other people get hurt. I want to love through my kindness. I want kindness to be my first reaction.

I didn’t do everything right today — I drove home instead of turning to God and going to church as planned — but I did make some strides. I would typically send someone a message of annoyance or rage or call someone to complain. Instead, I kept it to myself. Though I didn’t make it to Adoration, I did go home and open my Bible. I sought the root of the problem and prayed over it. I was very honest with God about why it tipped me off. I poured over scripture to find God’s inspired word to calm me. And when the evil thoughts came to my mind, I prayed that the devil be rebuked and the lies he was telling me would disappear.

Again, I didn’t do it all right, but I did better than I’ve done at other times and that is progress, even when it feels like defeat and failure. God had a lesson for me.

Jesus knew what it was like to be quick tempered, as He overturned the tables of the money changers in the temple. His anger flared up at the people who did not respect the temple as a house of prayer. When my anger flares up, it’s generally when I feel like there is a wrong committed that is not for the best as well. I don’t always hold in my feelings but spill them out in frustration. However, I don’t want to be a disruptor. I want to be gentle and kind, even in my mind.

Oh Jesus, who truly understands this human emotion, please help me to let go of anger. Help me to be more understanding, listen deeper and gently enlighten where needed instead of turning defiant. Help me to be an instrument of your peace. Help me to be free of this sin.