Discovering the true bread of life

My life is filled with stuff. Rooms are filled with physical things that I don’t use or need. There is just clutter. I have spent much time purging and cleaning these rooms the last few weeks until order has been restored, but it is still just stuff. It doesn’t bring fulfilment or draw me closer to my Maker. It is decorative, “nice to look at” things. There are toys that lay lifeless; beds unslept in; pots and dishes rarely used. I have been more than blessed. I have far more than I need.

When I think about the things my heart truly desires, they aren’t found in the things. I long to hold my little girl again, to bring friends together to serve them and bring life in the house, and to have a husband to serve and who can help me become the best version of myself. Without people, this house is lifeless. My things are just stuff. They don’t bring the joy. Joy is the face of a six-year-old who opens a new barbie doll of her very own. Joy is rings being tossed on our heads for a made up game. Joy is fitting 16 teammates in my small living room to brainstorm how to evangelize. Joy is bedtime prayers and goodnight kisses. Joy is in the love.

I have too much stuff I don’t need. I don’t feel like I have enough of the people I do need. Yet, the Lord tells me, “You shall not lack,” “I shall feed you” and “I am more than enough.” In these days of solitude, I’ve appreciated the Lord drawing me close to Him. He has filled all the emptiness I have been feeling these last few months. In my spiritual desert, I failed to recognize all the incredible, joyful life He gave me. I failed to realize that His grace was overflowing. That though I was physically exhausted and couldn’t quite hear Him like before, He made my life full of the things I truly needed. He gave me the bread of life.

Now in these days, I see Him slowly healing my heart. I have more time to sit with Him. I feel His presence — the very thing I had longed for — but oh, how I miss those days of life. How I miss the 7 a.m. wakeups by a happy girl with her hair a mess begging for me to make food and play with her. How I miss that “trial” when I felt I just needed rest. How I missed all the blessings Jesus had given me.

Oh Lord, I am so sorry. Help me to stay in the moment and remember to thank you for everything you’ve provided that I’ve failed to recognize. For the bread of life you’ve given that I haven’t gratefully received.