The raw, ugly side of fostering

Raw emotion. We don’t share enough of it. We filter what the world sees because it’s harder to be vulnerable and let our walls down. I’m often guilty of it but the Lord has nudged me to be more vulnerable with those I encounter over the last year. To share my struggles and pain, for they are human and where we often encounter God. So here it goes.

Here is the raw, unfiltered emotion from the hardest moments of my life. What a whirlwind the last few days have been. This giggly little 7-year-old changed my view of life, joy and love over the past two years. She revealed my weaknesses and taught me how to be more gentle, patient, loving, and what it means to love unconditionally as Jesus did. She sparkled and brought light and life to every space and person she encountered. She was vulnerable and wasn’t shy to tell me she loved me and that I was her family from Day 1. 638 days later, that brings us to goodbye.

I don’t have words to explain what it’s like to grieve someone who is still alive. To say goodbye to the best thing in your life, especially when they don’t understand what that really means. To find out 24 hours before that these will be your last moments together. The closest feeling is numb. But that is the raw, ugly side of fostering: the heartbreak that capitalizes the system. There are no “positive” situations, because one’s progress is another’s loss, and the child is the one that constantly is losing: another bond broken, another moment of confusing emotions, another change.

That’s not to say it wasn’t worth it. The past two years of my life have been more blessed and more joyful than any other and I’d do it all over again, even this pain. For that child needed me, and Lord knows how much I needed her. But today, my heart is broken.