Weary Warrior

Think about one word to describe your life: Busy. Now think about one word you want to describe your life: Peaceful or Joyful. Lastly, think of the hero of your life: Jesus. Why is it that if Jesus is the hero of my life, and I want my life to exude that, to be full of joy and peace and spread the good news, that the first word that came to mind was ‘busy’? Somewhere there is a disconnect. Let’s dig deeper.

Early in my faith journey, I poured into scripture and rooted myself in the Lord. I spent countless hours in adoration, bible studies, young adult groups, scripture, prayer journals, etc. Throughout those formative years, I asked him to reveal the plans he has for my life, and he graciously showed me paths I never would have chosen for myself. Those paths? Becoming a foster parent and the president of YCP Columbus. Living my life more as a servant than as a leader, giving more of myself for the sake of my neighbor, and evangelizing the faith. I surrounded myself with incredibly faithful people. People that walked with me, that welcomed me into their groups, that prayed with me, laughed with me, and just had fun. I was in Heaven on Earth. I let go of all the weights and expectations for my life I had been carrying around for years. Life was lighter. 

Fast forward to today. Life feels heavy. Exhausting. Busy. Overwhelming. But it is also so incredible. Incredible things are happening in my life and in the community around me. So why is it heavy? So much of the time I poured into scripture, adoration, and prayer has now been recommitted to serving my neighbor and helping to evangelize. By listening to the plans the Lord revealed for me, it shifted my life. I can no longer just spend an hour or so in prayer before bed. By the end of my days of playing with a 6 year old, running meetings and doing chores, I’m exhausted. I can’t hardly make it. I can no longer go to adoration every Wednesday and refill my cup; the young adult community is counting on me to help lead the events to help fill theirs. To create a welcoming environment and help them grow in their faith. 

My cup is empty and has been for some time. I have been missing the parts of my faith I loved the most, and even dreading them. “I don’t have time to do it tonight” or “I’ll do it later when I’m less tired” are constant thoughts that run through my mind. “Ugh, we have bible study this week and I didn’t read the passage yet.” How did my favorite thing become a chore? How did the Hero of my life become someone I struggle to find time to talk with? 

The truth is that it is much harder to be a servant than the one being served. It is much harder to give up a piece of yourself that you love for the good of others. I love fostering and I love ministry, but I long the deep connection I had with the Lord before. I also realize that the way people poured into me over my journey must have been exhausting for them too. It is the most rewarding work, but that doesn’t prevent weary warriors. Lord, your servants are weary. 

I recognize that while I have so much less time to physically spend in scripture or prayer, I am striving to live out that prayer through my actions. I accept that. But something needs to change; I need to be reinspired. How do we become reinspired? Prayer. Scripture. Obedience. Love. Remembering our why. 

Prayer: I vow to spend 10 minutes every evening in prayer with the Lord. A personal discussion with raw emotion – via bullet journaling, blogging, novena, rosary, etc. – wherever the Lord prompts me.

Scripture: I vow to spend 10 minutes every day reading scripture. Pouring over the divine Word that brings life to me. 

Obedience: I vow to go to adoration once a week. Even when that week is “too busy,” I will go.

Love: I vow to do all I can to love the child in my home, my family, friends, YCP community, coworkers, etc. I will show grace, extend compassion and accept the joy they bring to my life.

Remembering the Why: When I become discouraged or exhausted, instead of complaining I vow to repeat my why. Why am I exhausted? Because I am serving the Lord in the way He has revealed to me. Because He is the hero of my life and has forgiven me, even from the heinous things I’ve done. Because I am pro-life and helping this child and her family matters. Because setting her up for a life of less pain and more success is vital. Because the Lord put incredible people in my path to change my life, I need to be the change for someone else. Because my story is powerful, and the Lord has asked me to share it. Because people have lost hope or fallen away, and need someone to extend an invitation, be their friend, and listen. Because He saved me; forgave me; redeemed me.

Lord, you are the hero of my life. Grant me the grace to desire more. Help me to lean into to you and accept your help. Give me the courage to break the cycle I’m in and find a way to draw nearer. Lord, help me to let go of the control and allow you to transform my soul.   

Amen.